BVB Army High Command Indicted on Federal Charges

February 4, 2017

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Robert Cayles

Not even a few days after his colonoscopy that scared millions of BVB Army soldiers across the world, the Black Veil Brides Army and its high command were indicted by a grand jury earlier today as per a joint civil and criminal prosecution led by the US Department of Justice and the US Department of Agriculture for allegedly producing "fake logs of shit" that were falsely sold and signed off to fans as "genuine" and from the asshole of Andy Sixx.

While the BVB Army maintained that only the shit from Andy Sixx's asshole is given to fans, laboratory testing of the shitlogs found traces of cow manure in one of the logs given to a fan at a show in Montreal just last week.

"This is a common practice we've  been seeing a lot with these rock stars nowadays trying to pass their shit off as 100% authentic when they use 'fillers' like cow manure or bird shit and try to pass it off like it's genuine and meets federal standards,"  Tracy Lutzern of the US Fecal Inspection Service said in a press release at the courthouse."We believe Andy Sixx and the BVB Army have been pulling this scam off for years and it's not now until we've uncovered it. It's a shame."

On the contrary, General Jynxx of the BVB Army released a statement saying:

"We can't believe the audacity of the grand jury we presented to today to even consider for one second that we were trying to rip-off our own fans. The fans suck the shit out of Andy's asshole with their months for gods sake? I mean are you fucking kidding me???"

Disappointment even overtook BVB Army commander, Andy Sixx, who tweeted:

"Still unclear of what is happening. I just don't get it. The fans ask for this. They ask for us to give it to them and we give it to them every year."

The BVB Army will face six counts of fraud as well as two additional counts of conspiracy to defraud human fecal matter, both charges that carry lengthy prison terms if the high command is convicted.