BVB Army Commander Testifies to Congress

After the House Committee for Oversight and Reform Chairman, Congressman Trey Gowdy issued General Andy Sixx a subpoena to appear before congress and render testimony regarding the allocation of millions of U.S. tax dollars to the Suck a Log Foundation, the BVB Army's official charity wing, the BVB Army commander came out clean on the other side.

Accompanying the BVB Army commander was his special security escort arranged by the US Capitol police who had to wear protective armor and deploy anti-riot measures like portable barricades, tear gas and even fire-hoses to keep back the horny fans whose lust knew no bounds or restraint. At least twelve fans were arrested trying to jump the barricade and when Andy Sixx finally stepped out of the limosine to walk up the stairs to the Capitol building, five fans fainted while two others committed suicide in disbelief of beholding someone so divine... so sexy... so emo and gothic...

The hearing began without delay:

"I told you, they have nothing to threaten me with," said General Andy Sixx while entering the US Capitol building in Washington DC where the hearing was scheduled to be held in because of the mass audience present.

Most impressively, General Sixx maintained himself tremendously against the hard-hitting questions that the US politicians had for him, like Congressman Paul Gosar of Arizona who asked:

"Who are you? I've never heard of you before."

To which our sexy commander replied:

"My name is Andy Sixx. I am the Commander of the Black Veil Brides Army and hold the high rank of General as well."

"The what army?"

"The Black Veil Brides Army, Congressman."

"What's that?"

"It's the fighting force that won't rest until my sweet and creamy log of shit sliddes down every little 12 year-old fangirl in the world's fucking."

"Huh?"

"Yes," said General Sixx  cooly maintaining his composure and bracing himself for the next inquirer, Jim Jordan of Ohio.

"I don't get it,"  the Congressman said.

"Which part?" General Sixx said cleverly.

"You're the fighting force for what?"

"My sweet and creamy log of shit."

General Sixx gathered a lot of confused looks from that one line of response.

"Your sweet and creamy... what?" the congressman reiterated.

"My sweet and creamy log of shit, Congressman."

The dialogue in the transcript that follows consists of our dear Commander, blessed be he, and his delicious log, explaining to a bunch of congressmen that his warm log of shit is literal feces and not just a metaphor for something else.

"How the fuck did you manage to get congress to approve of your budget and why didn't we know about it?" Congressman Justin Amash of Michigan asked hinting a little frustration.

"Because," General Sixx said casually, "My sweet and creamy log of shit is the driving force for millions of little fan girls to not kill themselves. Just as long as I'm alive and my tummy is still rumbling, there's still hope for them. There's still something that keeps them moving in the morning. There's still a fire burning, and it's keeping them warm in the coldest of times..."

After about twenty minutes of more questions and redundant and repeated verification of General Sixx's legitimacy as to millions of fans wanting to eat his feces, the hard hitting questions began with Chairman Trey Gowdy:

"General Sixx, what relations does the BVB Army maintain with the Russian Federation?"

"Well, Congressman," General Sixx began, "we have in the past, but not recently, held collective security interests with Russian businesses and government agencies such as the Russian Federal Fecal Inspection Service."

"But as far as you know, none of your past Russian interests have been connected with the Suck a Log Foundation?"

"That is correct, Mr. Chairman."

"Really? So then why is it that a few of the men running your charity organization happen to be snatched by Special Counsel Robert Mueller's investigation of Russian interference?"

"Um..  Mr. Chairman, I have to be careful here because they're under indictment by both the US government as well as the BVB Army, and as the commander, I can't speak to their guilt or innocence in a matter as sensitive as their questionable network of contacts overseas..."

"So you agree with the statement that they were dismissed from the BVB Army and are pending court martial because of their contacts in Russia?"

"Well actually, Mr. Chairman, they're pending court martial for embezzling my sweet and creamy logs of shit..."

Another interruption from Congressman Darrell Issa of California interjected with:

"Is he serious about the whole feces thing? What's going on here?"

To which Chairman Gowdy brought the floor to order by reminding the congressman from California that:

"The Gentleman from California is not recognized. He will wait until his turn to speak before the committee. Continue General Sixx."

"Thank you, Mr. Chairman. Well, as I was saying, our Criminal Investigation Division had discovered that my men, the same ones that Robert Mueller picked up in his investigation, were embezzling my sweet and creamy logs of shit. That's why they're pending court martial."

"And would you say that their contacts with Russian government workers are just coincidental?"

"I would say that. I would also reiterate that their court martial, at least on behalf of the Black Veil Brides Army, is strictly for that reason and not due to their involvement, if any, in collusion with the Russians to interfere with the Presidential Election of 2016."

"Would you also say that the BVB Army has not, in any way, tried to sway the opinions of its members on the support of certain candidates in a political race?"

"The BVB Army does not. We have a strict apolitical policy. We don't try to preach politics for people, we just try to deliver my warm and creamy, soft and steamy log rolls to those in need of it slidding down their fucking throats."

While the hearing was restricted by time constraints, it was scheduled to resume tomorrow when we can expect the real hard hitting questions to begin.