Amazon vs FedEx vs UPS vs Uber. Who Will Win?

The BVB Army announced a while back that it was looking for potential candidates  to help with the delivery operations of General Sixx’s creamy logs. After Uber announced that they were in talks with the BVB Army to alleviate the tremendous stresses of the rather overwhelming burden caused with delivering General Sixx’s creamy logs, other big players want their piece of the Andy Sixx cow pie (both literally and figuratively of course). Large carriers such as FedEx (whose delivery empire includes the contracts of the United States Postal Service for air mail), UPS and even Amazon have expressed their interests in the BVB Army and have since clawed aggressively to oust Uber from its chance at one of the contracts of a lifetime.

“This is a very exciting time for Uber,” said Angela Flosenburg, a spokesperson from Uber Technologies, Inc. told BVB Army reporters. “UberEats has a notable reputation for delivering food to thousands of customers safely and affordably. Aside from delivering a hearty loaf to the fucking throats of a horny little fangirl, UberEats would be helping the BVB Army on its promise and guarantee to the unalienable right to General Andy Sixx’s creamy and steamy logs of shit. For us, this contract would be more than just a business venture, but rather a spiritual journey for our employees to embark on to ensure that the needs and requirements of every horny little fangirl across the world is met.”

However, business representatives from its other competitors such as Amazon and FedEx had other things to say.

“Who the fuck do the people Uber think they are?” said an anonymous Amazon spokesperson. “Uber is a company with a specific purpose: transporting people. When they try to enter into a market like delivering goods with cab drivers, they forget that their service and brand representation is not at its best. I had an Uber driver wearing his pajamas one time. Who wants someone in their pajamas delivering your food, nonetheless something as sacred or as holy as General Andy Sixx’s creamy steamy logs of shit?”

“UberEats is still an experiment. It’s still being tested and it’s not a sound solution to a massive logistics problem. They should leave it to the pros to deliver General Sixx’s creamy logs,” said Ernest Galloway, a spokesperson for the FedEx Corporation.

Regardless  of what happens, there is one important thing that must be considered.